Dear Online Diary…..

Hi!

I’m so excited to let you know I haven’t drank alcohol in over two weeks. I feel so proud of myself because I still managed to go out with my friends and party and resist the temptations.

I wanted to prove to myself and others that I didn’t need to drink to have a good time, and I personally think I achieved that with a few great sober nights out 🙂

Tomorrow I have plans with a few crazy girls to go have cocktails, hopefully in the sunshine! I am so looking forward to it as I think I’ll appreciate the drink and atmosphere more than in the past when i would go out with the one purpose to get drink to oblivion.

On another note this not drinking for two weeks has made me think what else could I give up for two weeks. which has made me want to give something up every two weeks, I’m allowed to introduce them back into my life after the two weeks if I want but hopefully it will keep me motivated to have something to aim for……a goal!

I’m thinking things like:

• Chocolate
• Crisps
• Fast food/Take aways
• TV
• Excessive make up

If you have any ideas of what else I could give up please let me know so I can try 🙂

I’m sorry I haven’t been very consistent with my blogs, but honestly my life is never consistent, I currently have a cold that has been hanging around with me for three weeks and it seems to be getting worse again, it looks like another doctors visit is on the cards 😦

Anyway hope your all well.

Talk to you later…..S

Memory Box

My latest addition to my memory box was a Christmas card I was given from my sister and her fiance a week before Christmas.

I’m going to set the scene….

Its mid-afternoon and I’ve just drove home in my pajamas from a friend’s house still feeling extremely rough due to a late night of dancing and mischief. I get home and my sister and her fiancé are waiting for me to let them into the house.

We sit for a while having general chit chat and then all of a sudden ‘James’ looks at my sister and says ‘should we just give her it now’ and hands me an envelope.

I was confused because I was sure I had already got a Christmas card from them, but I was hung-over and tired so didn’t really think too much of it.

I opened the envelope……

I read the front and within seconds knew what was coming

I read the card and was flooded with tears

Happy tears

Overwhelmed tears

I was drowning in them and couldn’t even congratulate them.

It was one of the happiest moments of my life, and I’m sure now…..there’s going to be many more.

Talk soon…..S

Memory Box

Something about myself is that ‘I don’t remember’

I don’t have stories from my childhood that I can easily recall at any time – Like my sister can. (I envy how many memories from our childhood she has because I feel like I missed out, However most of them I actually lived so didn’t miss at all.)

I love to document life though.

• Scrapbooks
• Diary’s
• Photographs.

Whereas my sister doesn’t. When I look through my scrapbook and see photos or trigger words I’m able to scavenge the memories from my brain and recall them.

In comparison to my sister I need that little trigger to push the memories back into reachable brain space.

  From a young age I have kept a memory box.

I put whatever I like into it, sometimes the most random objects, and sometimes really important documents or even something that represents an achievement.

My box started off as a rather small space, however over a short period of time I realised I like to keep a lot of random things in a totally un-organised way and the lid wouldn’t even nearly fit on top of the box.

I needed a bigger box!

And that’s what I got, slowly but surely the same issue is arising….

I thought it might be interesting for me to share what is in my memory box. A lot is very personal but it’ll be good to relive the memories again.

I’m hoping it’ll be a little project I can do to cheer myself up, as I’m feeling very low lately.

I’m also hoping it’s going to be something you enjoy, snooping into my memory box.

I guess its also going to be another form of documenting things 🙂

Let me know what you think and keep an eye out for my first insight to what I’ve collected!

Talk to you later….S

Dear Online Diary

Hi,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry a lot lately…

I’m sorry I neglected you,

I’m sorry I’ve neglected myself.

I’m sorry I haven’t left the house for three days now.

I’m sorry I wouldn’t go to dinner with my sister.

I’m sorry I’ve watched four films and two seasons of Friends.

I’m sorry I rang in sick to work.

But I think I’m back. I want to do this, I want to talk to you, I want to make myself feel happy.

So I’m sorry, but I’m not all that sorry because I felt like I needed time to sort myself out. I’m not sure if I’ve done it but I’m here….telling you, so that’s a step right?

Talk to you later……S

Wreck This Journal

Hi, I’ve been busy completing pages again. Some are so simple but it tests what you will do just because your feeling creative and a book is instructing you to do so.

This page I’m so glad survived the washing machine and didn’t ruin all my clothes leaving traces of wet paper all over. I used sticky tape to put it back together in an effort to be able to keep it in the book.

This is a page in progress however I thought I’d still share as it is nearly complete. I wish I got more mail/letters with cool stamps on to be able to stick on this page!

I have so many stickers of the most random things ever, so this page  instantly screamed ‘USE YOUR STICKERS ON ME’

A stain Log didnt appeal to me too much as the germs and dirteeness of things freak me out a bit. Therefore i changed my stain log to a ‘nail varnish log’! Very girly of me I know but I also have so many nail varnishes it actually forced me to go through them and sort out the bad from the good.

As always feedback is welcome in the comments, please talk 🙂

Talk to you later …..S

Dear Online Diary…..Fear!!

My health, I often fear for my health. I have illnesses that affect my daily living. I have a ‘hidden illness’ sometimes it really gets me down if I think about it. I fear that my health could get worse and ill be more reliant on medication and other people.

A hidden illness or invisible illness is a condition that cannot be outwardly seen. other people cannot see your symptoms but you personally are ill.

My biggest fear in reference to my invisible illness is….

I fear not being able to have children

……when its something I’ve always dreamed of. I’ve always imagined myself having a large family of my own. Children running around all over the place. Watching them grow, learn and love.

Children lift my spirits a lot, their innocence and often mischief honestly makes my hear beat stronger. I just never want to be told that I wont be able to go through a pregnancy and have at least one child of my own, with my own genes and experience that 9 month bond before the initial child being there to hold.

This is my last fear I am going to tell you about. This is my strongest fear, my most thought about fear.This is the fear that makes my nights so restless and the days so long. Its the reason I often cry at night, in the shops, around my friends with their children. Its the fear that affects me most. Yet it’s the fear I’m hoping to overcome.

Talk to you later……S

Dear Online Diary……Fear?!

I fear loosing loved ones, it’s another part of life that is inevitable, yet it pains me to think of the situations.

Sometimes it brings me to tears thinking about people I love not being around anymore.

not having them as part of my life,

No more communication

No more making stories

No more making memories.

Just emptiness, old stories and distant memories, their voice an echo in your mind and a blurred image of what they looked like.

No matter how much you love a person once their gone you’ll never quite remember their every detail. Your memory forgets things that you once thought would always be remembered. That’s what I fear.

Talk to you soon…..S

Dear Online Diary…..Fear!

Another fear I have is growing old, it happens to all of us, its apart of living, yet I really don’t want to get to an age in which I am considered ‘old’. I don’t want people to pity me and for my body and mind to slowly deteriorate.

I don’t want to rely on the people around me and become a burden.

I want to be able to live my life as long as possible with youth by my side….but I know this isn’t realistic.

I fear the unknown with old age.

Talk to you soon…..S

Dear Online Diary….Fear!!

Spiders….the most common.

If there is a spider in my bedroom it has to be removed before I can sleep peacefully, however if I see a spider it doesn’t make me want to cry or upset me unless it is in my bedroom. I think it’s the thought that a spider can touch me….

Like eww I don’t want that creature with all its legs running across my body without me knowing. What if it crawls into my mouth or sleeps in my hair!?

It’s the not knowing what a spider is going to do that scares my rather than the actual spider. If the spider was guaranteed to stay in the exact same place overnight then it would be welcome to stay.

How many of you have a fear of spiders, like this post to let me know 🙂

Talk to you later…..S

Dear Online Diary…….Fear!

Milk!!

Another strange fear of mine is milk. I can’t drink milk and I hate the smell of milk.

The job I currently have entails me to sometimes clean a coffee machine……which milk is present in doing the task. The milk bottle itself doesn’t scare me, but removing the machine fittings from the milk bottle freaks me out a bit but I can cope with it as I don’t have to touch the milk.

……However if by accident the milk does touch my skin……I literally feel like I wanna die and have to get the milk off me immediately.

I used to drink milk as a child so maybe I had some bad experience I have blocked from my memory, but for as long as I do remember I have not drank milk nor had it somewhere visible. What I mean by that is I can’t have it on cereal and I don’t drink milkshakes as the milk is overpowering and visibly milk.

I do believe this is a fear because like I said, if milk does come into contact with me I get panicked and have a little freak out until it is removed. Then until i am able to wash myself properly all I think about is the dirteeness I feel from the germ-ed milk contact…….strange I know!

Talk to you soon……S